Magic is Easy!
by Zrathus
Summary: AU: All Gods and Goddess are required to have a human vessel as a bridge between Death's domain and the living world. Newly ascended Maka Albarn, embarrassingly crowned Goddess of Bookworms, contracts with Soul Evans. And through Maka's power, Soul can... change into a Magical Girl?
1. hi guise k this is my new fanfic

_**A/N:**_** I FEEEEL HAAAPPPPYYYYYY!**

**(And no, I'm not exactly taking this story seriously.)**

**(P.S.: It helps to read everything dramatically.)**

**(pps i love u!11!1)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater.**

* * *

_Long long ago,_

_a single will brought our world into existence._

_That same will created everything_

_based on a perpetual cycle of life and death._

_Of __**chaos**__ and __**order**__._

* * *

"Silence, silence!"

A pair of clapping hands attempted to hush the crowd.

**"**Shush! "

"Be quiet!"

"Our lord is _speaking!"_

The centre of the room lit up to reveal a large circular stage surrounded by a row of small men, each robed in back and kneeling, their backs to the audience. A flash of light blinded the room, and a tall towering figure appeared centre stage.

* * *

However cool that may sound, the _really_ important thing is the sight of two arguing teens, whose whispers remained unheard amidst the blackness.

_"Damn it, Black*Star! Get your dirty hands off me!"_

_"It's not me! This creep with the striped hair here is having some seizure or something!"_

As if on cue, the boy spit up a steady stream of blood, landing on a very disgusted Black*Star.

_"Stop making up excuses! Just sit still for once, okay?"_

_"I was trying! Did you really think I'd want to oogle someone as flat-chested as you? This god deserves much better!"_

_"Why y-"_

* * *

Back in the middle of the room, that huge lumbering shadow was now visible to all, his hands bigger than most trees ever seen on earth, with a body that sometimes flickered about, seemingly having no definite form.

**"Today, we have all been gathered here to witness the birth of new fellow gods and goddesses!"**

Light footsteps were heard from backstage. Several were hurriedly lined up by the guards, including a worried girl with honey-brown hair, and an energetic boy wearing baggy pants. Some of the other teens lined up were nervous as well, and they had every right to be. Today was the most important day of these children's lives.

**"May I present..."**

Yes, today was the day when they would all ascend to become gods, and when Lord Death would present them with their title, and domain. The only problem was-

**"Tsugumi, the Goddess of Indecisiveness!"**

"E-eehhhhh?"

-Lord Death wasn't exactly the most conventional ruler-of-all-gods that you could have. In cases where he couldn't think of a proper title... well, he'd just stick on any that he saw fit. And unfortunately, (with few exceptions) once you get a domain, you're going to be stuck with it for the rest of your (long, long) life.

"Move along now," said one of the robed men, as he accompanied the confused Tsugumi back to her seat, the girl almost doing a flip as she clumsily descended the short set of stairs.

By this point, Maka Albarn was already fifth in line. Scared as she was, she reminded herself the close relationship that her father and Lord Death had- namely, Spirit had been the Lord's very own vessel. Apparently, Spirit had been quite the lady-killer, and had eventually bedded with Kami, the Goddess of Mystery- resulting this bright little girl. Most people would have thought for Maka to have turned out a hybrid, but let me tell you now that god-genes turned out to be really fucking strong. Kami had ran away because of all the controversy (unless the media somehow got this part wrong), leaving Maka all alone and confused, still angry with despicable Spirit.

In the audience, an old man-God was heard hacking away.

After the Goddesses of Money, Unrequited Love, and Flair were crowned, it was Black*Star's turn. Maka felt a slight sting of envy when he walked up to the stage, confident as ever, whilst she was left twirling her little pigtail.

**"Black*Star, the God of Perseverance!" **

The audience cheered.

_"Well, that wasn't too bad,"_ Maka thought to herself. "_But what powers would he have? The power to push his stupidity to limits no-one would have thought possible?"_

Too late for any thoughts now, it was her turn.

As Maka carefully made her way up the stairs, making sure not to follow Tsugumi's example, she put on a big smile for the audience in front of her (although it was too dark to make out anyone except those in front row). Kilik, who had been a friend of her's since preschool, gave a wave from the back of the line, which had at this point snaked its way around the entire base of the stage.

Shinigami greeted her with whatever smile she thought he had under that skeleton mask, and placed a hand on her back. Maka quickly sucked in a breath.

**"Maka Albarn, the Goddess of Bookworms!"**

The crowd still cheered, and the guards' boots still _clack-clacked _with each step they took on the checkered floor. But this time, the nasally laugh of a blue haired boy accompanied each noise she heard. Energy slowly sapped away from her, as her face began to turn blue.

_"Breathe, Maka! Breathe!"_

* * *

A/N: Meh, that was slightly shorter than expected. This is really only an intro of sorts- an update will come soon. And if you didn't notice, this story is supposed to be a parody of sorts; both of fanfiction itself and of mainstream anime. I'm not sure whether or not to add any pairings, so please mention in the reviews if I should, and which pairings you'd like. I haven't proofread this yet, so it'll be revisited soon.

CHAPTER 2 PREVIEW:

_"This is so not cool."_


	2. this is my oc soul lol shes the best 11!

NOT A PORNO

* * *

She laid down at the end of the bed, her weight pressing down on the mattress ever so gently.

"Soul..."

Soft silk covered her face, the colour of sand, and just as light and airy. A cold wind blew in the room, spreading about the fine threads. Left in its place were pools of dark green - refined and tinged with the slightest hint of gold. These shallow ponds beckoned to him, as he approached her slowly.

Her face for a moment flushed, matching a crimson as deep as his own pupils. His eyes met hers, like a fire engulfing and setting ablaze a dark forest. She clutched her white nightshirt closer to her, and asked...

"Are you Soul Eater?"

"Y-yeah..." Soul breathed slowly, and began to drool slightly as he moved a pale hand on her leg, the skin so supple and creamy...

For a moment, all was right in the world.

For a moment, Soul Evans had found his absolute bliss.

For a moment, everything was still.

For a moment, th-

_"I said, __**are you Soul Eater?**__"_

_"Oh SHIT!"_

_"GET OFF ME! PERVERT!" _He heard a deafening scream, which was promptly followed by a slap to his head.

"Uh... huh?" Having just been knocked off his bed, Soul stumbled around groggily, still not fully awake.

_Wait... what the hell?_

Quickly rubbing his eyes, Soul, feeling like a bucket of ice water had just been dumped in his face, met the girl of his dreams. A flat-chested girl, who looked to only be about fifteen or so, maximum, stood in front of him with the same strawy hair (except now much shorter and in pigtails), and the same green eyes, now burning without any help from his red ones.

_Damn... I swear she had bigger boobs in my dream._

"Keh, I don't believe you!" The girl flailed her arms about dramatically, her face still blushing madly. "I ask you a simple name, and you try to...?"

She moved around frantically, apparently too shocked for words.

"Ugh! All you men _are _the same!" Eventually finding her way to the window, she quickly stuck a foot out.

"Forget it! I'm leaving!"

_Wait... she snuck in from my window in the middle of the night? And she thinks _I'm _the insane one?_

Having now come to his senses, Soul stuck out an arm and grabbed her wrist in protest. Despite the girl's objections, he managed to pull her in.

"Hold on a second!" His voice sounded stern, and the remark was surprising enough to force the girl to listen intently. "Who the hell are you? And why the hell did you sneak into my house?"

Next came an awkward silence, before the girl finally spoke up.

"First of all... it's Maka. Maka Albarn." Maka pushed his hand away, and swung both of her legs back in the room. She was now sitting on the inner ledge of his window, where Soul was able to get a better glance at her, the moonlight illuminating her figure.

"Maka, Maka... listen, I don't give a damn about your name right now. Just answer the question!"

She crossed her arms, and murmured something again about "men", and frowned at him.

"Listen... this may sound stupid, but," Maka sounded hesitant. "Umm... see... I- I'm a... uh... Goddess..."

_Huh? What?_

Soul streaked over his hair with his hand, and shook his head at her.

"Heh. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

The girl's eyes began to turn a little redder, and if it weren't for the fact that Maka just plainly refused to show any sign of weakness, she might have almost cried. In all of her life, she had never had to go through a day as embarrassing for her as this one. Her hands in her lap, she stiffened a little before finally blurting out the day's events, having been longing for a sympathetic ear to recount her story to.

Ha.

* * *

"Please, Lord Death, if you would recon-" Maka's voice was a bare whisper in comparison to Death's loud booming that the audience had been accustomed to. Ignored by everyone, another robed man forced her away before she could complete the rest of the sentence. Feeling nothing but shame, Maka gave up resisting and instead began to dread what was to come next.

"Haha! You should have seen your face!" Black*Star was laughing wildly now, and some of the other robed men, each bowing before their respective God/Goddess, had to lift their heads slightly (still making great care not to show their faces) and gesture for the boy to be silent. The man near Black*Star had been slowly edging away, attempting to avoid his kicks.

"Sh- shut up!" Maka involuntarily put her hands to her face, and looked as far away from her "friend" as she could. Someone wearing a mask was now walking to centre stage, accidently tripping over a man selling drinks and snacks.

_That's right Maka, keep your attention off that moron. This is just a dream, just a dream just a dream justadreamjust-_

_"Pssst! Maka-chan~"_

A very familiar voice came from the man bowing in front of her. A voice that she'd rather not hear.

"P-papa?"

She thought she saw a wink, and her eyes grew wider.

"Papa! No! Go away! Get away from here!" She started to beat him away with whatever she had; fists, feet, whatever. Not caring about her father's shouts of pain, she managed to successfully push him away.

"Ha! Your dad is such a creep!" Black*Star began to laugh again, forcing Maka to repeat that now-familiar mantra. He looked at her again, this time oddly serious, and asked her a simple question, one that somehow brought her back into reality.

"So... what're you gonna do now?"

His crossed legs and arms behind his head showed that he wasn't nearly as concerned as he had made that statement sound.

"I-I'll..." Maka mumbled, and soon became lost in thought. She was too distracted to see a curious (and not to mention angry) boy behind her.

"May I ask what you're doing?"

"Hmmm..?" Maka spun around, and looked up to see a creepily pale teen, around her age. Two-toned eyes of amber and three bold white stripes across only half around his neat black hair made her recognize upon first glance that, no, this person was not normal.

He returned the stare, but his expression grew stranger and stranger until...

"Eh? Miss, forgive me, but...!" His eyes suddenly glossed over, and grew twice the size of before. "Have you noticed that you're _perfect?_"

_Huh?_

"Just... just look at you!" He squealed, and clutched Maka's hands in his. "You're perfectly _symmetrical!_"

_Freak._

"Hey..." Black*Star stuck a finger out. "Weren't you that guy who was puking blood all over me a second ago?"

Avoiding Black*Star altogether, the weird man dropped Maka's hands and put one of his own on his hip.

"What was I talking about...? Oh, right." His face suddenly looked much more serious than before, and that light, snobbish accent he had before came back. "You're interrupting the current ceremony. Please do not make any further disruptions, or you'll be asked to leave."

_Was his voice always this deep?_

As if on cue, Lord Death began to speak again.

**"Now, each new God and Goddess shall each be presented with their own magic tool!"**

Each of the cloaked men took out an item of some sort from their sleeve, coordinated so that none would draw out their item quicker or slower than another. In place of Spirit, who was forced away earlier by Maka, the teen with the striped hair passed a bookmark to her.

"Here, from your father."

The bookmark was a light pale-green, with pieces of gold strewn around the edges as decoration. A red and black ribbon had been tucked neatly into a little hole at the top.

"Oh, thank you...!"

The boy sounded disinterested for the rest of the conversation, and replied with a hasty "no problem". He coughed slightly. "I wouldn't recommend using it until you've found a suitable vessel, however."

"Why not?" Maka was very excited to see how the bookmark worked, even if she wasn't very happy with Lord Death's choice of a title for her.

_Wait... how does this person know so much about what's going on?_

"You'll see soon enough," The boy grinned, and bowed before leaving. "If you have any further questions, my name is Death the Kid."

Black*Star looked quite distressed at that last statement.

"Wait... you're the Lord's son?"

* * *

"I'm surprised," Soul 'Eater' had cut off Maka before she could say any more. "Man, I'd never have thought you'd come up with something as elaborate as that for an explanation."

Incredibly frustrated, Maka could say nothing but: "It's the truth!"

Suddenly, the house began to shake.

"Wh-what's going on?" Soul turned to Maka, despite not expecting a realistic answer.

"A... Kishin... Egg...!"

"A _what?_"

Maka took his hand, her eyes looking wild and desperate.

"Please! Trust me! You need to use your soul... let it resonate with mine!"

"How?" Confused, Soul shook her away. "And why would I tru-"

"Please! Just trust me!"

Soul gulped. Was he really putting his life in the hands of this stranger? Before he had a time to form a proper reply, Maka had already grabbed him again, and he suddenly felt a shock go through his body.

Maka looked at him. "Alright! Now, are you ready to fight this thing?"

_Fight? She didn't say anything about that at all!_

"Listen closely. I don't have any abilities in your world, and I'm not even sure yet how my power will work, but..."

Soul could only nod at this statement.

"...I'm sure we'll find a way!"

Dust immediately filled the air, timed to something knocking down the entire outside wall, and into the room. Chips of cement flied everywhere, and it was becoming difficult to see. Chocking on pieces of metal, and tasting a rusty, blood-like flavour in his mouth, Soul didn't recognize anything but the hoarse sound of Maka's voice across the room.

"Soul, are you okay?"

Soul's throat was blocked, and he couldn't reply.

"A book!"

_What was she talking about?_

"Is this... manga?"

_WHOOSH!_

For a minute, Soul's world dissolved into a pure white. No danger, no chaos. Soul was just... floating.

And he was totally naked.

He tried to scream, but nothing came out of his mouth.

Until a rainbow flew his way.

_What th-_

This rainbow surrounded his body, and Soul heard a _ping _as it wrapped around his right wrist, to uncover a long arm warmer made from a (_delightfully soft!_) black-and-red striped cloth pattern. The same thing popped up on his left wrist as well, except this one having a light silver ring attached to his third finger. He flipped around in mid-air, the sky looking all but normal- a bright pink with crystalline stars dancing in the air.

_Is this what taking drugs feel like?_

His hair began to grow, until it was midway across his butt, and tied itself up magically with a big fat ribbon. A headband pushed the top of his hair back.

_Heh. The headband is actually pretty cool._

His chest soon became covered with what looked like a schoolgirl's outfit, complete with a tie (of same pattern and colour of the arm warmers), and an incredibly short skirt that left his legs exposed. Long, long boots with feathers and ruffles appeared on his feet, and he felt a sudden urge to cross them and stand in a pose involving one hand on his hip, and another forming a "V" across his right eye.

Which he did. Unfortunately.

_Oh man... this is so not cool._

* * *

A/N: Well, that wasn't very funny. I've got this entire page here of jokes I've always wanted to say out loud, but would have seemed to... inappropriate in real life, and I haven't used any of them! *sulks in corner* Ah... oh well. :(

I may not be taking this story very seriously, but I would still appreciate some criticism.

And Shinigami is my favourite character. Because he is one sexy motherfucker.

NEXT TIME:

_"Symmetry!"_


	3. lololololol Can't Think COHESIVELY!

**Everyone **will be psychopathic in this story. I've decided. (I think this is due to my over-playing of Hatoful Boyfriend lately; I LOVE YOU FAT MURDEROUS BIRD! 3)

* * *

"Uh... uh- SHAZAM!"

It would have been impossible to describe the shock and apparent horror that would have appeared on Maka's face at that particular moment- thankfully, a description was unnecessary, as (despite Soul's acid trip) the room was still filled to the brim with dust, the same as we had left it last chapter.

"Soul! Soul!" Maka crawled on all fours, bruising herself in places she never thought possible (ahem). "Are you alright? I heard some noise and..."

Maka stopped dead in her tracks as she felt the scalp of her head come in contact with something solid. Something _fleshy _and solid.

"Soul...?"

"No! Stop, don't look up...!" The voice of a typical pubescent boy, which Maka had already grown accustomed to hearing in their past few minutes together was still there. However, the boots, and the soft edges of skirt that brushed her cheeks- they were undoubtedly feminine.

Soul clutched his skirt tightly, waiting for that awkward moment when Maka would stare up at that one, soft meaty organ covered by only the thinnest layer of white panties. Her head currently resting on his inner thigh, the... airiness was _much _morethan just uncomfortable.

_Keh... what the _fuck_ is happening? _

_No. No..!_

_Nononononono..._

Strange as it may seem, that moment never came. I'll tell you now, despite the long, long time that Maka and Soul eventually spent as a duo throughout their lives, no living being managed to ever see what was under that embarrassing, super-ultra-short skirt that this certain vessel wore. Why this never happened has remained a mystery, even to this day.

What _did _happen though, was much (arguably) worse. A huge silver claw rose out of the broken beams that had supported the room, and quickly snapped up, causing the entire ceiling to create a massive cave-in.

Thank goodness that Soul Evans lived in an apartment filled with hundreds of occupants instead of, you know, his house.

A house filled with family members who, though sometimes less than supportive, really just wanted was best for Soul and the rest of his family.

Yes. It could have been much, _much _worse.

His eyes met Maka's.

"Jump! NOW!" Her voiced snapped him back into reality. Feeling adrenaline run through his body, Soul pushed as hard as he could with his feet, the great power that had been surging through his legs snapping him tens of metres in the air. The cold night wind knocking whatever breath he had out of his lungs, he found himself unable to do much but snap his eyes shut and wait for impact. To his relief, he soon began to slow down, before coming to a standstill right in the middle of the air, floating while feeling like something was dragging him down- bobbing around much like a cork would in the water. Gasping for oxygen, Soul attempted to regain his balance on some sort of invisible surface that he himself was not yet aware of.

_Damn... that blow hit really hard. Thank god, if I hadn't..._

Feeling suddenly even more self-conscious (if possible) than he was before, Soul was reminded of who had caused this little incident to happen in the first place.

_Wait... where's Maka?_

"Maka! MAKA!" Soul's voice failed to carry well through the freezing air, but it did catch the attention of someone.

Or rather, _something._

A shadow appeared out of the rubble, with a bloated stomach and sickening bluish-purple skin that one would only imagine to see on the body of a drowned man. Huge claws were apparent at the ends of both of his long, skinny arms, completely disproportionate to the rest of his large body. Soul thought he heard it give a low moan, before it began lumbering towards him, in a crouched pose that made him seem like some sort of four-legged spider. Backing away slowly, Soul bumped into the side of another nearby building, causing him to panic. His breath felt heavy, and trying to focus became quite a struggle.

_Maka... she's..._

Not allowing himself to succumb to the same fate, Soul mustered up whatever courage he could as he reached for the heavens, flying away with an absolute grace and elegance. He felt whatever fear he had begin to slowly dissolve... until he was pelted in the head by a giant rock. His headband was knocked off, along with whatever remaining coolness that pathetic little costume of his had. The broken headband (somehow) reminded him about humanity and his own morality, the helpless few that could only rest on a comfy bed of hair before being snapped away like twigs due to some divine heavenly force. (#rageagainsttheheavens)

Rage built up through Soul as a dark red aura began to glow from his skin. Soul Eater, now 100% more angry, and 400% more radioactive, sought revenge against this giant beast.

"Back, you cur!" These words were uttered against his will, and he began making semi-invisible stabbing motions against the creature. Magical, glowing dots were left in the place of each thrust, the final one revealing a star shaped pattern - lines were connected, lighting with the hidden power of Lseifbjekhjsdhbf. "Now... FIRE!"

Soul pressed the palm of his hand against this symbol, allowing an intense pulse of light to fly in the direction of the monster. This laser hit his mask, knocking his face back, and twisting his neck in a sickening way. However, it was still no use. The rest of his humongous body just lurched back where it had originally been, as if nothing had happened at all. He drew a claw, and prepared to swing the cold, hard metal against Soul's head.

_He's coming in front the right! I can't dodge..!_

Soul ducked his head down, and pushed himself against the now-cracking bricks that he had been leaning on roughly 20-feet in the air; if he timed this move just right, then maybe, just _maybe_, he might be able to get a hit in on the monster's face. It was then that he heard a shout headed in his direction.

"Soul!" Sandy pigtails flashed by him as the girl leaped from the roof of a nearby building, arms spread out like the wings of an eagle. Approaching the creature's outstretched neck, she spun about in midair, and landed a fierce kick that made it curl forward on the ground. Before Soul could reply, she grabbed his hand, and pulled his body close beside her's. Somehow, Soul knew immediately what to do.

"Go! Soul Resonance!"

From Maka's and Soul's interlaced fingers, there began to glow a light that began to pulse harder with each coming second. Just before it could catch the attention of the creature, Soul uttered a single word that sent it to oblivion.

"Release!"

A swirling rainbow, so bright that it temporarily rendered Soul's eyes useless, and manage to destroy the monster, several apartment complexes, and kill all witnesses left the city in ruins.

"We did it! High five!"

* * *

From the shadows, a fellow teen had been observing them all this time. Clipboard in hand, he approached the two who were apparently too busy slapping each other's hands to notice him. After masking many an involuntary shouts of "symmetry!" and "trash!" while he had been observing them reduce the city to nothing but rubble (and killing other people too, but that part really wasn't as important). He clicked the end of his black pen, and gave a brief "ahem", waiting for them to acknowledge his presence. When he saw them begin to walk home(?) however, and witnessed how just how messed up Soul's hair was, he couldn't help but speak out loud.

"GET BACK HERE! _YOU ASSYMENTRICAL BASTARD!"_

* * *

_A/N: _Considering my uploading schedule, that was quite a short chapter. I dunno, it's really difficult for me to make this both dramatic and humorous, considering the fact that I'm not the greatest writer (owing a lot to how hasty I can be, and how I'm too ADD to sit down and write a proper paragraph that excedes three sentences)... but I'm working on it. I usually tell stories by art instead of words, so I dunno, it's quite hard for me ._.''

Thanks for the reviews guys, I _really _appreciate them. I take critique well, so if you've got something to say that can help me improve, don't be afraid to speak up!

Next time!:

_()_


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